The Slob in me....

If there was one word I would say others use about me (besides annoying) it would be organized. Which is hilarious because I am probably the least organized person I know. As a matter of fact, I am a complete and total slob. That's right! Just blew your mind didn't I? The above picture is my desk at work. I have been staring at this mess for weeks now thinking to myself, "man...I REALLLLY need to clean this place." But have I, no. Why? Cause I'm lazy like that. Where people have gotten this idea that I'm organized is beyond me. I can't even begin to tell you how many New Years resolutions I have made to become organized. Yet, it has not happened....alas. So basically, I am now sitting here, making fun of myself for my sloppiness and exposing that to the rest of the world. Maybe that will hold me accountable. I don't know. What I do know however is that when I am done with this post, I AM going to clean off my stinking desk.

But the whole organization thing doesn't just fall to work. Oh no...you should see my house. Its clean (granted) but it is highly unorganized. I would like to use the excuse that we just moved and still have unpacking to do, but that excuse will only last so long. I don't even know where I want my furniture to go. At this very moment there is a couch sticking out into the middle of the living room floor. Why? Cause I really have no where else to put it right now. I guess this whole rant was brought on by the fact that I feel overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed by stuff and lack of organization. This isn't an exaggeration. There is something a lot of people don't know about me, that I am going to reveal...for better of for worse. You know how some people freeze up in a stressful situation? That's me with stuff. When the house gets too messy or packing becomes too much or there is just too much stuff surrounding me, I freeze. It's hard to explain but I will try. Example: when we moved this last summer we piled everything into our new place without much thought for where things would actually end up. We just wanted the move to go as fast as possible. I took a day off work to unpack and got nothing done. I found myself standing in the front room just staring at all of the stuff. I had no idea where to start. Its as though my brain stops functioning for a period of time until things become more manageable. For instance, the mixer was sitting in front of me, but I couldn't bring myself to pick it up and put it in the kitchen because it was just too much. Even though I know that's where it goes. When I get overwhelmed, I shut down. My brain stops functioning and I just stare. I actually had to wait for William to get home and start moving stuff before I was able to function again.

I grew up in places that for the most part were clutter free so I guess I never learned how to cope in that type of situation. I am currently suffering from the freeze syndrome with my bedroom. Which is a cluttered disaster. It's so bad that some nights I go in there and want nothing more than to just turn around and go sleep on the couch. At least its confined to my room though and not the rest of the place. Some days I want nothing more than to purge my house of anything that is unnecessary, and trust me there is a lot that can go. Maybe that is what I should spend time focusing on in the new year. De-cluttering, simplifying and organizing. Maybe then I can finally live up to that whole "your so organized..." that I often hear from others. Cause bob only knows, right now, it isn't true!

Organized Madness

For those select few I actually invite over to my house, you know it can be quite the mess most of the time. Try as I might, I can never seem to keep up with my kids (or my husband). They are slobs and depending on my level of enthusiasm I can be quite slobbish too. Do I wanna have a messy house? No! Does walking into a messy house cause me to have a inner breakdown? Yes! Nothing...I repeat....NOTHING ruins my day more than walking into a house that is a disaster. So how do I overcome this?

The obvious answer would be chores. Yeah...that's right. Chores. (There goes my mommy of the year award). Bird is 7 and Gryphy is 4. They are both old enough to be taking some part in helping out around the house. Not to mention, I absolutely refuse to allow my boys to grow up thinking house work is for women. We have tried doing chores in our house before but the last couple of systems we implemented didn't seem to work. So, what to do? The simplest approach is the chore chart. We tried it before, but I'm gonna try it again. Why would I do that if it didn't work the first time? Here's why. It wasn't the charts fault. That's right. It was mine and Williams. What can I say. We spoil our kids and let them slide by with way too much sometimes. This needs to stop. Especially before they start to think they can get away with murder. I want my boys to grow up to be loving, caring, responsible, hard working adults. This isn't going to happen if we continue on down the path we have started. Yes, it sucks to tell them they cant do something and then have them start crying over it, but that's what parents do. We tell our kids no, when they need to be told so. We send them to their rooms when they stomp their feet and throw a temper tantrum. We do this because it helps them to understand there are consequences for poor choices. I am hoping that with this go around, we can work together as a family to make the system work and that William and I can join forces and be stronger parents. Only time (and a whole lot of patience) will tell if its working or not...

A Mothers Reflection

These are my babies! My two amazing little boys who are my absolute world. Without them I would be lost. I'm not sure I have a right to be affected by what happened in Connecticut, but I am. Maybe its because my oldest is seven years old, the same age as many of those who died. When I read the initial report they were saying the numbers of those dead could change. I was wishing and hoping so hard that they were wrong. That there would be children hiding in cupboards and closets and everything would be okay in the end. But the numbers just got worse. 18 went to 20. 20 small, innocent children who had their whole precious lives ahead of them lost everything. I think what affected me most was being a mom. When I heard the report my first thoughts went to my children who I had just dropped off at school moments earlier. I felt the panic, the sadness, the fear. Who would do something like this? Why would they do something like this? My thoughts went out to those parents they said on the news were being sequestered in a separate location and being notified that their child was dead. I felt the most uncontrollable sadness thinking about how they were standing there waiting for their children to come out, watching parents embrace their child next to them and waiting, hoping, praying...nothing. I felt unquenchable anger. I said it once to people who didn't believe me but I will say it again and know that I mean it. I would do ANYTHING to protect my children. That includes protecting their memory. I hope you get my point. My step father spent many years in the Missouri state pen and spoke fondly of his time there, cable tv, three square meals a day, airconditioning, heating, full library, etc...That is not justice. Too many people talk about moving towards forgiveness. I guess I am not a strong enough person to offer forgiveness because I would never do such a thing if they had killed my child. How do you forgive a person who has taken away your very reason for living? So much sadness and anger. That's all I feel right now and yet I live clear across the country and have never stepped foot in Connecticut. It took every ounce of effort in me to not pull Bird out of class on Friday and when I took him to school this morning I had to fight back the tears. Even after talking to the school about the drills they have in place, I am still not comforted. Why? Because, when I gave birth to my children I was bringing them into a world that I thought was safe. A world that I thought was filled with wonder and excitement and happiness. I have found my world to be lacking. I live roughly one hour from Clackamas Town Center, I know people who work there, I drove by there on Saturday. It was on the 11th of this month that a gunman opened fire there taking two lives. What have we come to as a world, as a people, when we cannot go to the mall or out to a movie or drop our kids off at school without the fear of death? It has gotten to the point where I don't want to take my kids anywhere. Yet that is not healthy, that is not living. To me, it is too soon for a gun debate and since I am ambivilant to the topic you wont find anything on that here. I just needed a space to vent and rant. There are not words enough to describe how horrifically tragic this act of violence was. I can only assume I will continue to be affected by this for many more days to come. Hopefully the pain that I feel will subside shortly. I have no reason to feel anything beyond that because my children are home safe and sound where they belong. There are 20 families out there tonight who do not have that luxury. I feel for them. I wish them the best in moving forward from this point.

Welcome to the Farm

I figure the best way to get started is to tell you a little bit about my crazy family. For starters, no we do not live on an actual farm (although I cross my fingers that that may in fact happen some day.) Currently we reside in a rather tiny apartment in a town only big enough for a gas station. The reward that hopefully will come from living in said "tiny" apartment will be saving up enough money to buy our own home...with lots and LOTS of land for the boys to run around on. My husband, William and I have been married for 9 years now. He works for the USPS and I am a Community Outreach Specialist for a Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Agency. Both of us try to stay involved in our community during our free time. William helps coach both football and softball at the local high school and I recently volunteered him to coach Birds Lego League Team. My volunteer hours are usually put into groups that my kids are involved in since I am going to be there anyways. I help out with our local AYSO and I am the cubmaster for Birds cubscout pack. Needless to say...we do A LOT but we both love it. Plus I like to think its good for the boys to see us helping out.

Speaking of the boys...Bird (the one in blue) is 7 years old and just entered the 2nd grade. He is into what I assume are the usual boy things, legos, video games, mad science experiments, tormenting his younger brother, etc... He loves to read and draw and I hope (fingers crossed) that he gets his dads artistic ability. Gryphy (sporting the brown smokey the bear shirt) is my rambunctious 4 year old. This is his second year in pre-school and I am just now starting to realize the fact that next year he will be entering kindergarten. (Cue sad face). He would rather climb on chairs, jump over the back of the couch and crawl under tables than play with toys but if the moments right, I can get him to sit still for about 5 minutes tops.

Raising them has been nothing short of the craziest life experience I have ever had. I know that I am only 27 and that I had my children when I was very young (20 & 23). Looking back, I would never change a thing about my life with them. I know parents would like to think that we teach our kids a lot and shape them into the people they become, and that may very well be true, but I know for a fact that having children and raising children has changed me in ways I cant even begin to describe in a single posting. The second I found out I was pregnant with Bird, my entire world changed and I am a better person for it. I know the 14 years I have left between now and when Gryphy turns 18 are going to be even more crazy and chaotic than the first 7. I'm ready though. Here's to life!