These are my babies! My two amazing little boys who are my absolute world. Without them I would be lost. I'm not sure I have a right to be affected by what happened in Connecticut, but I am. Maybe its because my oldest is seven years old, the same age as many of those who died. When I read the initial report they were saying the numbers of those dead could change. I was wishing and hoping so hard that they were wrong. That there would be children hiding in cupboards and closets and everything would be okay in the end. But the numbers just got worse. 18 went to 20. 20 small, innocent children who had their whole precious lives ahead of them lost everything. I think what affected me most was being a mom. When I heard the report my first thoughts went to my children who I had just dropped off at school moments earlier. I felt the panic, the sadness, the fear. Who would do something like this? Why would they do something like this? My thoughts went out to those parents they said on the news were being sequestered in a separate location and being notified that their child was dead. I felt the most uncontrollable sadness thinking about how they were standing there waiting for their children to come out, watching parents embrace their child next to them and waiting, hoping, praying...nothing. I felt unquenchable anger. I said it once to people who didn't believe me but I will say it again and know that I mean it. I would do ANYTHING to protect my children. That includes protecting their memory. I hope you get my point. My step father spent many years in the Missouri state pen and spoke fondly of his time there, cable tv, three square meals a day, airconditioning, heating, full library, etc...That is not justice. Too many people talk about moving towards forgiveness. I guess I am not a strong enough person to offer forgiveness because I would never do such a thing if they had killed my child. How do you forgive a person who has taken away your very reason for living? So much sadness and anger. That's all I feel right now and yet I live clear across the country and have never stepped foot in Connecticut. It took every ounce of effort in me to not pull Bird out of class on Friday and when I took him to school this morning I had to fight back the tears. Even after talking to the school about the drills they have in place, I am still not comforted. Why? Because, when I gave birth to my children I was bringing them into a world that I thought was safe. A world that I thought was filled with wonder and excitement and happiness. I have found my world to be lacking. I live roughly one hour from Clackamas Town Center, I know people who work there, I drove by there on Saturday. It was on the 11th of this month that a gunman opened fire there taking two lives. What have we come to as a world, as a people, when we cannot go to the mall or out to a movie or drop our kids off at school without the fear of death? It has gotten to the point where I don't want to take my kids anywhere. Yet that is not healthy, that is not living. To me, it is too soon for a gun debate and since I am ambivilant to the topic you wont find anything on that here. I just needed a space to vent and rant. There are not words enough to describe how horrifically tragic this act of violence was. I can only assume I will continue to be affected by this for many more days to come. Hopefully the pain that I feel will subside shortly. I have no reason to feel anything beyond that because my children are home safe and sound where they belong. There are 20 families out there tonight who do not have that luxury. I feel for them. I wish them the best in moving forward from this point.
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